A Very Bad LinkedIn Request
I’m all about success. I take no joy from others’ failures; me and Schadenfreude are not friends. Yet I also know what a powerful teacher failure can be.
It’s one of the reasons I encourage people to Fail Spectacularly.
It’s also why I share the email below, which was forwarded to me by its recipient, a young professional woman who I’ll call… Kornelia. With a K. Or Kornie, as I imagine her friends would call her if in fact her name were Kornelia-with-a-K.
Kornie received this note attached to a LinkedIn connect request from a guy who had followed her around the previous evening at an open house event. He didn’t have the courage to talk to her at the time, but clearly, he was paying close attention. You’ll see:
Hi Kornie,
How are you? It was nice to meet you at the networking event. I will think about becoming a [member of your organization]. Can you get me a discount? haha.
Hey I noticed you were married but just curious if you had a sister, cousin, friend that had a similar personality to yours that is single? I really liked how out going, friendly, and funny you came across. Let me guess, everyone you know is married? Story of my life.
Anyway, see you at the next event!
OK, the breakdown on this one is going to be swift and merciless. Here we go:
- It’s creepy. I’m a guy, and a married one at that, so I don’t generally think much about what other guys are saying to other women at events, but I do find the whole I didn’t-talk-to-you-but-I’m-going-to-hit-on-you-sort-of-now-from-the-safety-of-my-keyboard sort of cowardly and odd.
- It’s wishy-washy. Are you interested in the organization or the girl? At the risk of sounding sexist, if you want to talk to the girl, MAN UP. And if you’re interested in the organization, then get your shiznit together and talk to the person behind the cute face.
- It’s lame. “Can you get me a discount? haha.” Like… you deserve a discounted price on account of your discounted self-esteem? I don’t get it. Never make the obvious joke, and definitely—if you’re going to joke about money—make the joke make you look good. “I’m always a bit hesitant to join groups I can afford to join…”
- It’s self-disrespecting. In both paragraphs, he talks himself out of his game. I’ve always said that jokes are 80% truth, so even if this note was meant to be humorous, it still says a lot about the jokester. Specifically, it says: “I expect to get rejected in anything I do.”
Overall, a terrible note. Study it, learn from it, and if anything you write sounds remotely similar, hit delete.
OK, so now let’s move on to a better alternative, because I like good endings.
Picture the scene: you’re at an event, you see a cute girl, and you want to talk to her. Seeing as how this is a professional event and she’s married, hitting on her is both inappropriate and impolitic. You’re mildly interested in what she’s selling, you’re very interested in her network, and what the hey, why not be nice to her? Here’s what you need to do:
- Walk up to her at the event and pretend you’re a name tag. Say, “Hi, my name is [whatever you're name is].” Smile and extend your hand. Pause. She’ll probably give you her name. If she doesn’t, ask for it. When you shake hands, make eye contact and keep the shake firm yet gentle. If you can’t get this far in the interaction, go home, you’re done.
- Ask her what she does. If you’ve already been lurking, acknowledge it: “I’ve actually caught bits and pieces of your conversations tonight and was intrigued… but didn’t want to interrupt… could you tell me a little about [whatever it is you do]?” If you’re so intimidated by cute that you can’t think of anything to ask, go home, you’re done.
- If you are not genuinely interested in what she’s saying, say so. “Oh, that’s not quite what I imagined. I don’t think that’s for me.” Pause. If she asks why, give her the reason. If you aren’t concentrating on the conversation hard enough to have thought of a reason, go home, you’re done. If you are interested, say so, and ask how you can get more information. Chances are, you’ll leave with a business card. If she doesn’t offer a card, take the hint.
- After a few minutes, say something that let’s you connect the conversation to a topic you are completely comfortable with. Non sequitors are OK if you can be funny about them, as in, “OK, ah, this is a total non sequitor, but something you just said made it pop into my mind. You’re going to totally laugh when I ask you this: do you wear a lot of purple?” Get ready to back your non sequitor up with a story or explanation!
- You will know within the next two seconds if this conversation is going anywhere good. If it is, go with it. If not, abort, but no need to go home. You did alright—you won’t win ‘em all.
- So far, all you’ve done is built a foundation for a relationship, which is all you should be doing right now. That relationship will take it’s own course in time—professionally and personally. Don’t try to mix the two. And for heaven’s sake, if she’s married, don’t be a schmuck by hitting on her.
As far as a LinkedIn request goes, only if you get through Step 5 have you earned the right to send a social media connection request. It should look like this:
Kornie, great meeting you last night. I look forward to seeing you at the next event. I’ll try to wear purple. I’m thinking maybe something like this? Or too much?
If you did not make it to Step 5 because you went home, send nothing. If you did not make it to Step 5 because you were legitimately pressed for time and could only manage a quick hello, send this the next day:
It was great meeting you last night. I’m sorry we didn’t have much of a chance to connect. I look forward to seeing you at future events. In the meantime, if I can ever be helpful to you, please don’t hesitate to reach out!
Don’t flourish and don’t be funny.
That’s how it’s done. Now stop sucking and—for the last time—man up!
5 Responses 
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Jason,
Thanks for posting this. I can’t count how many networking events that men hit on me and yes followed me around. It’s creepy. I’m not there to get hit on, I’m there to network and make business connections. So, even if a girl is single like myself doesn’t mean she is fair game to hit on at networking event.
Great post Jason – Can I just say that the women at business networking events are there to conduct business and build their networks. If they wanted to meet men they would go to social networking events.
Love It! I also believe in failing big…commenting on a faux paux a colleague made at a company sponsored retreat I remarked “Better to leave a skid mark…then no mark at all.” Kornie’s stalker definitely made one here…a remarkable one. Imagine if he poured all that effort into actually connecting with people at a networking event (and I imagine most of life’s situations)…people would be talking about what a great relationship cultivator he is. Thanks for the post & thanks Kornie’s stalker for giving us all a great learning opportunity.
This guy clearly has no clue about how attraction works for women. Every single thing he did was wrong; his actions actually worked against him. That message creeped me out.
Nothing that a man who does not understand attraction does will work. On the other hand, a man who does understand attraction can meet and be successful with women anywhere.
I came across the posting and felt compelled to reply. Take the networking event out of the equation, at the core this is Character and Integrity. Two traits worth embracing; Lets review
1. Character, individuality, personality refer to the sum of the characteristics possessed by a person. Character refers esp. to moral qualities, ethical standards, principles, and the like
2. Integrity is the factor that determines which one will prevail. We struggle daily with situations that demand decisions between what we want to do and what we ought to do. Integrity establishes the ground rules for resolving these tensions. It determines who we are and how we will respond before the conflict even appears. Integrity welds what we say, think, and do, into a whole person so that permission is never granted for one of these to be out of sync.