By PJ McGuire, Etiquette Expert

A warm smile goes a long way to making everyone’s holiday season less stressful.

Bring a small token of appreciation for the host when attending a holiday party at someone’s home.

Cake (specifically fruitcake) is only an appropriate gift when you know the other person likes them.

Double dipping is disgusting and unsanitary.  If you would like sauce or dip place it on your plate and double dip until your heart (and tummy) is content.

Electronic elves, flashing lights and dancing Santas are best kept at home.  Decorations in the office should be minimal.

Follow proper protocol when giving business gifts; be aware of cultural and religious differences.

Gift cards are impersonal, try to get personalized gifts whenever possible.  If you find holiday gift giving difficult, consider hiring a gift giving service.  They’re inexpensive and can save you time and money.

“Happy Holidays or Season’s Greetings” is the appropriate greeting during this time of year because it incorporates ALL religious and cultural holidays.

If you run out of time to send holiday cards you can send Happy New Year cards instead.

Just in case you’re traveling for the holidays, remember to have your mail held at the post office and put your lights on a timer.  Don’t let the thieves know you are not at home!

Know and practice proper dining skills.  If you aren’t 100% sure which side your bread plate or beverage is on, review dining skills by taking an online course or reading it in a book.

Limit your alcohol consumption at business holiday functions.   Being the office drunk is not only embarrassing but can cost you your job.  Yes, I know the alcohol is free but limit yourself to 2-3 drinks.

Martini glasses are prone to spills…order your martini in a low ball glass and your beverage won’t end up on your shirt (or someone else’s).

Naptime should occur at home only, not at holiday office parties or after eating at someone’s home.

Out of office messages can be festive but must be appropriate.  Happy Holidays and/or Seasons Greetings is a better option  than Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah, Happy Kwanzaa or any other religious holiday greeting.

Please don’t outstay your welcome!  Pay attention to social cues and know when it’s time to say your goodbyes and go home.

Quiet please…don’t blast holiday music at the office.  Be considerate of others and use headphones.

RSVP for holiday parties within 72 hours after receiving the invitation and/or before the RSVP by deadline.

Small talk is an important skill when attending holiday parties and interacting with friends and family.  Review current events and practice small talk so that you will be able to mingle with ease.

Time is of the essence.  Always arrive on time to sit down dinners.

Use this time of year to show your gratitude and appreciation to all of the people who help to make your life a little easier.  Give an extra special gift or tip to people like your hair stylist, cleaning person, doorman, day care providers, etc.

Vacationing in someone’s home for the holidays isn’t the same as vacationing in a hotel…there probably isn’t a maid service.  Always clean up after yourself and offer to help out around the home.

Writing a thank you note is always a nice gesture.  Send thank you notes after receiving a gift and attending a party in someone’s home.

eX’s can be a touchy situation during this time of year. Tread lightly when interacting with the friends and family of your EX during the holidays.

Yield to the second helping if you’re prone to the “lose weight and get in shape” New Year’s resolution.

Zzzzzzzzzzzz…get plenty of rest during this busy holiday season so that you can be courteous and polite to everyone with whom you encounter from department store staff to co-workers.

Here’s a cliche you’re probably familiar with: give a child a toy and he ditches it for the box it came in. (Apparently, the same is true for animals. In the video, I caught Lenny, my bulldog, after she had dumped all her toys out of the plastic box we keep them in so she could chomp on the box itself.)

Now here’s something you’re probably not familiar with: as grown ups, our fascination with containers and boxes does not go away… the boxes just become less cardboard and more conceptual.

Ever overpay for a shirt because it had a particular logo on it? Sure you have. We all have, even if we didn’t want to… because sometimes, it just isn’t worth it to have to explain to everyone that we actually don’t care. And you probably know where this is going, right? That logo is the container. Just as a big ribbon frames a child’s experience with a present, providing secondary enjoyment and making the object inside the box seem more special, the logo frames our experience with the shirt in exactly the same way.

A brand is a box. You know what else is a box? Interpersonal savvy is a box. Seriously: the way in which you approach others frames others’ experiences with you the same way a brand frames your experience with a shirt… and the framing—the box—still matters.

The funny thing is, in my experience, people agree with this principle dearly when talking about other people, but not so much when focusing on themselves. They want other people to present themselves crisply, but they want other people to understand when they themselves are running late and don’t have time to “wrap the gift,” so to speak.

Sorry, Charlie! The box still matters. You need to ditch the ugly interpersonal wrapping paper you sometimes use. Here are 10 statements that, if you eliminate these from your repertoire, will help you improve your personal brand immensely:

• “He should have known I was kidding.”
  Never push responsibility for a conversation’s success to someone else. Take full control for your own success. Bad outcome? You can only fix it if the problem is within your control—that means assuming it was your own fault.
• “I would think people would want someone in my job to be so busy that I don’t have time for pointless pleasantries.”
  You’re still a human being, and no matter how busy you get, you’ll never be more of a man than I. You may forget that, but I promise you: I won’t.
• “Let me try to explain this to you one more time.”
  Wonderful. Now, not only are you an arrogant prick, but you’re projecting your inability to communicate onto me? I think we’re done here. If you’re a salesman, you’re really toast.
• “And maybe you’re too sensitive!”
  Just one more way in which people push responsibility for a conversation to others. The problem here isn’t my sensitivity, it’s that you failed to consider your audience before opening your big fat mouth. (Oh, don’t tell me you found “big fat mouth” offensive?! Get over it, you’re being too sensitive!)
• “Hey! I’m the boss around here, you just do what I say, got it?!”
  Huh? Did I fall asleep and wake up in 19th century France? Give your Napoleon Complex a rest before someone hands you your Waterloo.
• “How is it possible that you still don’t understand what I’ve been telling you for the past half hour?”
  Maybe because you haven’t shut up once in 30 minutes long enough for me to ask you the one question I need answered?
• “That’s actually not a bad job… coming from you.”
  And that’s actually a pretty a**holish thing to say… even coming from you.
• “That’s funny… coming from someone with an seven foot cube.”
  Thank you for confirming for me just how petty you are. I’m sure when they put “She had a 96″ cube” on your tombstone, everyone’s going to be really impressed.
• “Can I have a promotion? I deserve it.”
  Hmm. The irony of the first sentence is the deferential way in which you are asking for power—you want power, yet the framing here keeps you below me on the totem pole even if you get it. The irony of the second part is the lack of awareness of the irony in the first.
  
• “Everyone in management is a total idiot.”
  By the transitive property then, if I made you a manager… you’d be an idiot, too. Right? I guess you won’t be getting that promotion after all… I’d hate to undermine your intelligence like that.

Check out more of Jason Seiden: http://jasonseiden.com/blog/

If you get no leads, what can you do? There are at least two possibilities. You can ask whether the person knows of others whom you can ask for job leads. Another possibility would be to ask for job search advice. Again, the Stress Inoculation technique instructs you to consider what might go wrong and what you can do. If the person does not refer you to anyone else and offers no advice, what can you do? In that case, I submit that you have accomplished as much as you can with that person and that you find another person to ask. You are as well prepared for that outcome as you can be.

What do you do if you feel rejected or embarrassed? You must deal with your feelings. I’m going to be blunt: if you can’t deal with your feelings of rejection, your chances of succeeding in life are greatly diminished. If you let your fear of rejection stop you from asking others about potential jobs, then you will be far less likely to find available jobs. Thus, excessively avoiding possible rejection will leave you unemployed.

What can you do about your fear of rejection? First, find a way to deal with the pain of rejection for now. Perhaps you can talk about it with your partner or best friend. Perhaps you can cope by taking a long walk, riding your bike, exercising, watching an old movie, or eating chocolate (a small piece of chocolate, that is). Two highly inspirational films are “The Miracle Worker” and “The Fastest Indian,” both of which deal with ordinary people overcoming great odds. Another movie that teaches the value of persistence is “Stand and Deliver.” By the way, did I mention that all of these movies are based on true stories? Check these films out, and recharge your courage batteries.

In the long term, you can eliminate your fear of rejection completely. That’s right, you can eliminate it completely, simply by learning my Better Communication Technique, which I explain in a free tutorial on my website. I also explain how communicating assertively will greatly improve your life in my book, “The Fine Print of Happiness: What no one has told you about improving relationships, boosting self esteem, and achieving lasting happiness,” which is available on my online bookstore (please see my website, www.KarenLifeCoach.com, for details) and Amazon.com. I also offer personal life coaching and workshops to teach people these skills. However, I offer a free option for OutOfWorkChicago.com: email me a question anonymously about dealing with a difficult situation or person, and I will post the answer on this blog.

The steps to “inoculate” yourself from stress are simple. First, consider all of the possible negative outcomes; that is, all of the possibilities which make you nervous or worried. You may wish to write down your thoughts because they may well become complicated shortly. For each concern you have, create at least one solution, if not more. For example, if you’re concerned about getting lost, what solutions can you think of? As suggested above, one would be to look at a map in advance of going. Another would be to bring a map with you. A third response would be to bring the phone number of the place you are going to, just in case you get lost. A fourth is to ask someone for directions in advance. The number and types of possible solutions depend on how creative and resourceful you are willing to be.

For each solution, consider possible negative outcomes. For example, suppose you ask a friend for directions, and your friend turns out to be wrong. Now, what do you do? In other words, prepare a “back up” plan. In fact, contemplate how each back up plan might fail as well, and devise solutions for those, if possible. How far should you take it? As far as you need to in order to feel prepared. Of course, no one can anticipate every possible problem, nor am I suggesting you obsess over preparation. The goal of Stress Inoculation is simply to consider as many potential challenges and solutions as you need to in order to feel confident enough to move forward and enter the situation. When you feel prepared, you’re done.

As you can see by considering the possibilities, the set of responses can become somewhat complicated very quickly. It’s as though you’re creating a large flow chart of possible disasters and potential disaster responses. In reality, however, there are usually a relatively small number of potentially serious problems that might arise, and consequently you will have to create and remember only a small number of solutions. In Part 3 of this series, I explain how to apply Stress Inoculation to looking for a job.

]]> http://www.connectworkchicago.com/2009/08/stress-inoculation-looking-for-jobs-part-2/feed/ 2 http://www.connectworkchicago.com/2009/08/stress-inoculation-looking-for-jobs-part-1/ http://www.connectworkchicago.com/2009/08/stress-inoculation-looking-for-jobs-part-1/#comments Fri, 07 Aug 2009 15:49:38 +0000 KarenHeart http://www.outofworkchicago.com/?p=1520 Looking for a work is stressful, if not downright overwhelming at times. For the most part, we look for jobs in very conventional ways– online job boards, job postings on company websites, recruiters, etc. Why do we typically limit ourselves to these approaches? Although it’s understandable that we expect to find jobs in those places, we are all aware that people mostly find out about jobs through personal contacts. I’ve heard many career coaches state that most jobs are never even listed in help wanted ads, at least not until the successful candidate has been chosen and the company is posting the position publicly solely for legal reasons. Personally, I have no idea what percentage of jobs are unadvertised, but I do know that the more jobs you learn of and apply for, the better your chances of landing a job.

So, why do we spend so much time looking at online job postings and so little time asking others for job leads? The obvious answer is that searching online is far easier and less stressful than approaching live persons. In fact, I believe that the number one reason why job seekers seldom ask others directly for job leads is because they are afraid to ask. Job seekers are afraid of how the person they ask might react, or might think about the job seeker. In this bad economy especially, the fact that you are looking for a job says nothing about you; yet, we still cling to the belief that holding a job equates with worthiness. Our society has traditionally criticized people who are unemployed and, consequently, when we approach others to look for a job and thereby admit to being unemployed, we are reminded that others may look at us as if we are less valued members of society. In short, we feel ashamed and embarrassed, despite the fact that many of our friends and family members are themselves unemployed or underemployed because of the economy. Even though we are keenly aware of how irrational our belief is, it’s still with us. As a result, we are afraid to ask others for job leads. And therefore, we don’t get them. And therefore, we remain unemployed.

As a therapist and life coach, I’ve seen people repeatedly lock themselves into bad situations solely because they are too afraid to ask for what they want. I teach people techniques to become more assertive and to cope better with problems. One method I use is called, Stress Inoculation. The Stress Inoculation technique was actually created many years ago, and it has been used to train numerous people how to cope with a wide variety of stressful situations. It’s remarkably simple, yet highly effective. You can use this technique in your daily life, especially when looking for a job. In this article, I shall discuss how you can use it to overcome your reluctance to asking others for jobs. In Part 2 of this article, I explain how to use Stress Inoculation generally, and in Part 3 I explain how to apply it to looking for jobs.

Enough.

There is a problem with all these lists. The problem is not that there’s not some good insights in some of them. It’s that no list will ever get you a job. Ever.

Know what’ll get you a job?

One thing: action.

Let’s do an experiment:

Right now, open a new browser tab/window. Go to your social networking site of choice. Think of a friend you haven’t spoken to in awhile—someone you don’t have anything important to talk about. Take however much time you need… when you think of that person, send him/her an invite to connect and a note that reads something to the effect of: “Just thinking of you; would love to connect when you have a few minutes and hear how you’re doing.” Then come back to this page.

I’ll wait while you go do that…

OK, now let’s review the experiment: did you actually do it? What would you have learned from a list, awareness that you should call? Hey: this ain’t “life appreciation class,” this is life itself. If you want something, you’ve got to move!

Others may care, but personally, I don’t give a hoot or holler about the proper etiquette for re-introducing yourself to an old acquaintance. I don’t give a flying fish about thank you notes or emails, either. Nor do I care about how awkward this all must be for you. All I care is whether or not you act. Because when you act, messing doesn’t matter. (As much.) When you mess up in your head, you stress; when you mess up in real life, you try again and improve. It happens without thinking about it whenever you refuse to give up!

I recently called a friend I hadn’t seen in 19 years. Out of the blue, just to say hi. That was awkward… for about a minute. Then we clicked and now I’ve 200 more people in my network. I called another friend, too… that conversation didn’t go as well. So? I lost nothing on that one. Ten minutes, maybe.

Now it’s your turn again: put down the list and go make that call. Bungle it. In fact, try to mess it up. You know what you’ll find? You’ll find you can’t. No more thinking about it, go do it!

Because they only way to guarantee that you get a job is to go out and get the job!

After interacting with the more than 1,000 job seekers who have come to our events, and with thousands more online, I have seen one mistake repeatedly keep qualified job seekers out of the line of opportunity: a lack of ability to set goals.

Jason describes goal setting as the place where attitude and action come together, and I think that’s exactly right. Too many people go through the motions of setting goals without putting the right attitude behind them… too many more have their heart in the right place but lack the courage and conviction to declare their intentions. Jason’s online program is designed to bring balance to the equation. We like Jason’s approach to career development; there is a reason we made him our resident speaker! So when we learned that he has captured some of his wisdom in a $29 program and backed the program with personal support (he’ll answer question via the boards on his site) and a guarantee, we thought, “Hey, we’ve gotta bring this to the people!”

This is not a tool “for job seekers,” by the way. It’s a tool for *managers*… which means that it will not only help you in your search, but will continue to help you after you land that job and need to start performing!

Definitely check it out… http://jasonseiden.com/goal-setting … and let us know what you think!

Upon attending an event, you will have the opportunity to register to view a job board which regularly has 20-25 new postings per week. Jobs are posted by employers as large as Fortune 500 down to entrepreneurial startups. I have obtained a list of upcoming events in the Chicago through July 09 and have posted them with permission below. I will publish a review of event on May 27th, “The Dynamic Job Search”, for the benefit of everyone interested in attending.

Bob can be reached by calling 847-925-6005 if you have any questions. The website for St. Hubert’s is http://www.sainthubert.org/ and you can follow the link below to see the frequently updated Jobs and Networking page directly:

http://www.sainthubert.org/Parish_Organizations/Jobs%20and%20Networking%20Ministry/jobs_and_networking_ministry.htm

SAINT HUBERT JOB AND NETWORKING MINISTRY

Upcoming Event List – (As of 5/26/09)

Events are non-denominational, free and open to all occupations. Bring your handbills or resumes and Network into your next position. Learn the fundamentals of careering and get the depth of knowledge provided through seminars and career topics offered. Refreshments are available.

FOR THE NEWCOMER***; If you are new to Networking and/or the job search, join us at St. Hubert, 6:00pm, prior to our regular meetings (on the second Monday of the month only). We’ll offer a one hour program on how to use a networking meeting effectively, the tools you’ll need such as; The Elevator Speech; How to do a Handbill, and how to generate the contacts you need.

• May 27, 2009 (Wednesday) – “The Dynamic Job Search” – 7:00pm to 9:15pm, St. Hubert Ministry Center, 729 Grand Canyon, Hoffman Estates, IL We will be joined by Peter Cahill, Training manager and Director who will present his approach to an enthusiastic and energized job search. This is a real winner and uplifting presentation – don’t miss it. Formal Networking follows the presentation.
• May 30, 2009 – “Consulting as a Career Option” – 9:00am to 12 Noon, St. Isidore Church, 432 Army Trail Road, Bloomingdale, IL. Join us as Bob Podgorski talks about starting and running a profitable consulting business. He’ll cover start up, customer development, keys to business success and the pit-fall to be aware of. Informal Networking will follow until Noon.
• June 6, 2009 – “Resume Review” – 9:00am to 11:00am, St. Raymond’s Church, 301 S. I-oka, (Elmhurst road at the ‘S’ curve) Mount Prospect, IL. Bring your resume for a personal evaluation by one of six HR, Search, or career counselors who will be on hand to give you their thoughts and suggestions. Bring a friend – This is for all occupations and levels.
• June 8, 2009*** – “Taking Care of You, in a Job Search” – 7:00pm to 9:15pm. St. Hubert Ministry Center, 729 Grand Canyon, Hoffman Estates. We are pleased to bring you Elene Cafasso, an executive and personal coach will provide us the opportunity to understand how we can stay alert, in shape and positively active as we search for that next job opportunity. Our health is as important as our attitude – join us for an important topic we all need to pay attention to.
• June 13, 2009 – “Employment Opportunities in Not-For-Profit Sector” – Our Lady of the Wayside Church, 432 W. Park, Arlington Heights, IL. Join us for a Panel discussion on Employment Opportunities in the Not-For-Profit sector. We will be joined by a Search Representative and several Not-For-Profit executives who will talk about what qualities are sought after and how to connect with the Not-For-Profit sector. 9:00am to Noon.
• June 20, 2009 – “A Career Over Age 50” – St. Matthew’s Church, 1001 E. Schaumburg Road, Schaumburg, IL. We will feature a panel of individuals who successfully transitioned into new career paths after age 50 and even after age 60. Join us as we explore how these individuals made their transitions and re-invented themselves for their encore careers. 9:00am to Noon.
• June 22, 2009 – “Ten Things That Will Make Yourself More Marketable” – St. Hubert Ministry Center, 729 Grand Canyon, Hoffman Estates, IL. 7:00pm to 9:15pm. Our Coordinator Bob Podgorski will present a seminar on ten things that can make you more marketable and valuable to an employer in todays environment. Times change and so to do the needs of employers. Business shifts require new or different talents. Learn what the current ten top talents are, sought after by employers.

1. Move on from the job boards. Sure, get on job boards, but set up their agents and then just watch your inbox.  Don’t spend much time looking for openings where everyone else is.
2. Set up a nice office. My office was in my bedroom. My bedroom was relatively dark.  How can this be healthy?  Now my JibberJobber office is in a nice dedicated room, with a nice big window.  First thing I do in the morning is to open the blinds and let as much sun in as I can.  I love looking at the sky – blue or gray or whatever… for me it’s so much healthier than my dark bedroom!
3. Don’t watch TV. Especially the news. Most shows are, well, predictable.  My guilty pleasure is The Office… but I watch it on Friday morning on my computer… 21 minutes with hardly any commercials.  I’m not saying to not watch your favorite show, but don’t watch hours and hours and hours and… yeah, really.  Jobless people watch that much TV… especially while we’re depressed. Movies are okay, however!  Especially inspirational movies! Finally, the news?  NO.  OFF LIMITS.
4. Get out of the house DAILY. You cannot maintain human sanity unless you are around other humans.  You don’t have to talk to them (heaven forbid), but I think it’s good to be around other humans.  Don’t like that?  Go outside and be one with nature, or sit on your patio and soak up the sun… just get a change of venue.
5. Exercise DAILY. I barely moved for months, which was not good for my joints or back.  From bed to Lazy Boy (sp?) chair… my body went to pot, and I think I’m still paying the price for being so sedentary.  Want easy?  (a)  Figure out a one mile walking route and do it daily (it should take about 20 minutes).  (b) Do some pushups.  Even girl pushups count (c) Do some crunches.  (d) Calf raises and/or squats.  Do this regularly.
6. Write. I found writing very therapeutic.  Start a blog, or start a journal, or buy a ream of paper.  Use writing as a place to reflect on your life, where you want to go, etc.  Do visualization exercises.  It’s powerful.
7. Read inspirational stuff. I cherish reading the autobiography of Hellen Keller, or Randy Pausch’s The Last Lecture.  These books helped ground me.  I love a good Grisham novel, and I LOVE to read Inc Magazine.  There are certain scriptures that really hit home.  Find something inspirational… and read it.  Read good, healthy stuff regularly.
8. Volunteer. Volunteering is just plain good. I tried two places, got reject both times, and gave up.  I should have been more creative.  Find places where you can keep your skills sharp, or contribute to the good of humanity. Out-of-Work Chicago is always looking for friendly faces to help with our events. Being productive and “part of” once again can really boost morale. If interested, please  contact us
9. HELP SOMEONE. Usually when they say “volunteer” in a job search I think about volunteering in a business setting.  Do that.  Beyond that, find someone who you can help in some way, big or small.  You can do it anonymously, or they can know, but when you HELP SOMEONE you feel so good!  So good!  Careful, you might become addicted to helping people!

I’m neither strategic nor execution-oriented, and I really want potential employers to see this about me in the interview. How can I make sure I sink myself immediately by putting these shortcomings on the table?

Good news! You don’t even have to explicitly call attention to these shortcomings to make sure that your prospective employer gets the message loud and clear. Here’s what you do instead:

Don’t take the lead by anticipating questions. Never, never risk putting information out proactively.

If you get the gist of where the interview is heading, keep it to yourself! The willingness to take appropriate risks in pursuit of your goals is a desirable trait in leaders. In an interview, determining the pattern of the interview and then leading your interviewer along could get you the job by signaling such risk-taking.

You probably engage in anticipatory behavior elsewhere in your life. You probably moved confidently in your last job. Maybe you’re not strategic, but my guess is that you can put 2+2 together PDQ in the context of a conversation. I bet you are also actually quite action-oriented when engaged with your favorite hobby, always looking to take yourself to that next level. Be careful not to apply these skills to your current situation, lest you confuse your interviewer into thinking that you may indeed have something good to offer.

Umm… and what if I want to get the job?

Simple: Plan to answer every question from the perspective of the position you are interviewing for.

If you can’t see yourself in the new job, neither can the interviewer. This means you need to go beyond projecting confidence; it means you need to demonstrate deep awareness of the types of issues, struggles, opportunities, and decisions you will face in the new role, as well as an appropriately high-level perspective for addressing them. You need to do all this in addition to interviewing fundamentals like sitting up straight and looking him/her in the eye when you shake that hand.

And guess what: part of seeing yourself in the job is moving with confidence, proactively addressing issues and asking about things that will fall under your jurisdiction.

The best salespeople will tell you that you get the deal by assuming the close. Well, you’re selling. Yourself. So assume the close and speak and listen as the person holding that position would.

If this sounds like a lot of work, it is. But it pays off BIG when you do it right.

OK, sounds do-able, one more question: What’s the biggest challenge people face when trying to do this?

What people struggle with has nothing to do with either strategic thinking or action-orientation. People fail because they surround themselves with people who want to commiserate as opposed to help them.

Look, I get it: you have an emotional attachment to your buds. It’s not just you, it’s me, too, and everybody else we know. The difference is, successful people don’t confuse being a friend with being a schmuck. Some of my relationships are superficial; I don’t call these people when I need serious help. I have other friends who are somewhat competitive with me, or who don’t believe in me, or who are too  wrapped up with other issues in their lives right now to help me. I love some of them like brothers. But I ain’t calling them, either.

Remember that scene at the end of Good Will Hunting, when Ben Affleck tells what’s-his-name to quit slumming it and live up to his potential, even if it means dropping his best buddies? Well, I’m telling you the same thing: you can’t reach the next level without first seeing yourself there. So if your friends can’t or won’t help, then—at least for now—find new friends. It’s not a loyalty thing. It’s a get a job thing.

[Material adapted from How to Self-Destruct: Making the Least of What's Left of Your Career]